one sad day..

waring!: this blog may be depressing.
so yesturday, i got in the car from revision and my dad straight away said 'Nicole we have ad some really bad news today,"
i knew at that point something had happened to my grandad, ive been having funny feelings over the last couple of days, so i just knew..
'Your Grandad Eddie Died this morning,'
'Don't lie, it's not funny dad!'
'Nicole i'm not lieing look at your sister!'
i hadn't noticed my sister until then and her eyes were red and swolen, and i heard my mum sobbing away, all i could do was cry, and feel so guilty.
'i'm sorry mum!'
i don't think ive ever cried so much, he was my great grandad and was 80, i haven't seen him in nearly two months, because we just haven't had anytime, and then he passes away, and i felt so bad, there is nothing i can do to change things though. He is my mums grandad and she felt as guilty as me, it's a horrible thing to see your mum an dad crying, it's horrible you don't know what to do. My dad took us to my grandma's (his mum) and she hugged me and tried to reassure me, he wanted to go, he was tired, he wasn't allowed to smoke anymore, and he is with my nana, my grandma had a tear in her eye.. it was so horrible, i couldn't believe what was happening to be honest.
My grandad has been ill for some time, he has really bad lungs, and for the last two months he has been on oxygen, he has been smoking since he was nine years old, and he was told he had to stop smoking because he had to be on oxygen, everyone felt bad taking this away from him, he lost my nana in 2001 and has missed her all that time, he has been lonley, and he wanted to go.
he was found on his bathroom floor by his carers, he lives in a flat were he gets carers come four times a day, and they found him at 8:30 yesturday morning, and rang 999 to get paramedics to try bring him back this failed, the police had to come, because it was a sudden death, and nobody knew exactly what had happened, it still isn't clear. I was at school the whole day, and i wasn't told anything. i still can't believe it, it hasn't quite sunk in.
Anyway,after leaving my dads mum, we went to my mums, mum, he was her dad, all i could say was: 'i'm so sorry grandma!' we both at crying in each others arms for ages! then we got talking, and we were all getting upset..
today:
i was going to go to school, to keep my mind off the situation, but all morning i kept breaking down, there was no way i couldn't face school, so i stayed off and we were out and about all day, first the doctors, then went for a coffee, were i sat the whole time crying my eyes out, and then a member of the family walked in and things just got worse, i was crying real bad, then we went to my grandads flat because we had to start clearing it out, and i took a load of his clothes and a watch, all stuff i love, i'm wearing his cardigan right now, i really like it! but i saw were they found him, and my mum was explaining the positioning of him, and i was set off again, gosh .. my eyes are hurting so bad, i haven't wore any make-up today and i wont all weekend because i know for a fact no matter how hard i try i will keep breaking down. So anyways after that i started to feel a little better, it was weird though when we were in his flat i mean, i'm so used to walking in and to him being sat in his chair and saying 'hello there pet' and then moaning about the fact that i wear make-up. i miss him a whole lot. So anyways, i was feeling better and then my mum decided that we should go help my grandma with the funeal arrangements, so we did. I cried the whole time he was there, as soon as he brought out the little booklet which had coffins and caskets in, i was off, i really couldn't believe that this was happening, so the man left after it all, and said he would call back later with a date of the funeral, we stayed at my grandmas for ages just talking about him, and then we got the call saying the earliest we could have the funeral was friday; we go on holiday on friday, we get a train at 1! ; the funeral service at the church will be at 8:30 and then the cremetoriam at 9:30 and thats it, so were lucky in that respect, but i want to write a poem, to  say sorry for not being there with him for the last two months.
i don't know if i will ever get over this, he was an amazing man, and he'll be missed so much by everyone, no one had anything bad to say about this man he was always there.
i love you grandad.
RIP!
so sorry that i wasn't there the last two months.
Nicole xox